my phone needs a breathalizer
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
