You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
