I can text with my tongue
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
