I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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