Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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