Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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