she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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