So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
