I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
