I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
