listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend