If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
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I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
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I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.