dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
why do cheetos always look like penises
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.