u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...