SEEEEXXX PLEASE
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize