Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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