tell your sister to shave her snatch
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
