Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
