there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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