chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
