Swine flu. Run for my life!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
