Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
