I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
