my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
