sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
