I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
