I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
