wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
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he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
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You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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