Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
you had me at cake vodka
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
