when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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