theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
