A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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