We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.