There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Someone came in the potted fern
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
