Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
