You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
