Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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