there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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