I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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