I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
