Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
