I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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