we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Of course I have a pirate flag
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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