I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
