Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
