I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
