in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
