I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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