The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Damn victory sex feels great
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
