Can Purell be used as lube?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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