I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just want nice things and good sex
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
