I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
