apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
