don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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