im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
