I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
