i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
