She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
if only i could text you this smell
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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