Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
