I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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