If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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