I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
