mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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