so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
